beginning of the end

08Feb10

She sat at her desk, hands in her hair.

Everything changes now.

Or does it?

Choices, she was reminded. There are choices every day and she made hers. It’s too late now.

The old man in the chair next to her this morning made her cry, but when isn’t she crying?

“There’s so much to cry about,” she whispered, as she got up and went to the bathroom again. She blamed it on her caffeine habit.

That wasn’t really the issue. Not this time at least.

In high school, you go to the bathroom to eat lunch, alone. It’s where there’s quiet. It’s where you hide.

Once, it was where she sat nervously staring at a plastic stick. It was those shaky walls that heard her sigh of relief.

Maybe it’s because life is a cycle. Some BS like that.

She was tired of fighting it. Tired of hiding it.

You hide to avoid the pain of admitting it to yourself. if no one else knows, then you don’t. If she keeps pretending, then it’ll all be false. The test would be false.

Her life, seemingly meaningless as it is, would continue.

She promised God if he fixed it that she’d do anything. She’d believe again. She’d quit and start the business she’d been dreaming of.

Anything.

“Anything to get rid of this. Anything to start again”

It’s a bargain with the devil who never comes. He never listens. So where does that leave us?

In a bathroom stall, crying over pain she pretended wasn’t there.

This was the choice she made today. The choice to stop treatment that didn’t work anyway. It wasn’t even that hard of a choice, not the kind that people rhapsodize in novels.

A simple choice.

Today, today is where the end begins.

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Tags: fiction

dislike

09Dec09

You will dislike him, the protagonist of this story.

No one likes people like him. He’s a good man at heart, but that doesn’t mean he lets anyone see that.

He keeps his true self hidden away underneath his debonair, worldly gaze.

He says everything is going to change, but we don’t really know.

In the end, you start thinking that maybe you should hate him more.

Trouble is, you don’t.

You love him for the person you know he is. Or at least the person you thought he was.

Were you so wrong?

Maybe.

They say the intelligentsia can read the world for what it is more, and for that reason, they get set aside. They see the sadness for what it is. They see through the happy words in most stories to the real loneliness.

It’s so much easier to be disconnected than connected to those that don’t see the sadness. So what is he to do?

Sit there, in the vast open sparse apartment.

In the dark.

Dreaming of a life that is different, where he is the man he thought he was supposed to be. Instead, he’s an ass.

He balks at even saying that about himself, but it’s true. He is an ass. No one really likes him. You’re not even sure if you do. You can love someone without liking them.

You won’t like him. I know you won’t.

But you’ll love him.

hm. it seems alltop took me off their little list. *shrug* Maybe I should write more.

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terrible poetry

28Sep09

everything is broken
and there’s no going back
all there is is nothing
and we’re all alone

There’s nothing we can do here
no mistakes we can mend
there’s no going back
and no going forward

They’d call this a fresh start
but that implies there isn’t anything behind us
so we’ll stand in empty rooms
wondering where it all went
and what we’re going to do now

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Tags: poetry

generation gap

15Jul09

I’ve been reading a lot about Gen Y having issues with work because we were brought up to believe that we can do anything and the world is at our fingertips. These ideals, supposedly, make us far too idealistic about work.

I disagree. The world is at our fingertips and we can do anything. It’s our choice to work for it, though. The idea that all of that would be easy was false, yes, but the idea itself is totally true.

It is this generation that came up with Facebook and Twitter. We are starting successful businesses while still having personal time. We are learning that life and work can be balanced and we can have immense pride in both.

I remember graduating from high school. We had one of the most academically gifted classes ever, and I went to a pretty good high school.

Some of those gifted people are working at insurance companies or elected to be a stay-at-home parent. Nothing wrong with that.

Others are being kick ass. They are changing the world. The sky is the limit and we chose to reach for it.

Let’s remember that.

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Tags: gen y

once, i was a nerd

14Jul09

I’ll keep it private for now, but the job search and such has led me to a lot more thinking about who I am and what i want to do.

Strangely, since this is the second time around, there are more epiphanies. You’d think I’d had enough of them last year, but I guess not.

As I visit different offices across town and meet new people at events, I’m starting to realize where I want to be and what I’ve learned about what makes me happy.

(This all sounds very narcissistic, but this is my personal blog and having one of these is pretty self-centered to begin with, no?)

When I was growing up, I loved science. Still do, in fact. I read Ebola and the Andromeda Strain and Outbreak. I loved tiny things that could kill. I also loved big things far away. I was an environmentalist from age 6, when I used to pick up trash from the creek behind my house. My mother was not pleased with my muddy self.

I loved writing and kept journals and journals full of poetry and thoughts. I blogged when OpenDiary was still in existence and before anyone even used the term blogging. Anyone remember that?

My life has been an open book for years. It only makes sense that i do what I do. If I had actually understood organic chemistry, I’d probably be writing about patients and lab results right now.

However, I’m not. I’m here and I’m very happy where I ended up.

I’m still a nerd. I still love technology. I still get tech toys as soon as I can and I’ll always be an early adopter. My love of science has morphed itself into a love of reading fantasy and sci-fi, but that can always change. I do have a friend going back to school for medicine.

I love what I do. I love my job, even though I haven’t found the right place for me yet. I had a emotional moment the other night, wondering if I had done something wrong. I’ve been laid off twice. Was it my fault at all? The Boy kindly reminded me I worked for companies that didn’t understand the Web, social media and blogging like I do. They didn’t want to continue spending money on it, when in reality, they should have been pouring more money into it.

I like saying that I want to be on the cutting edge. if you ever interview me or read any of my professional statements, cutting edge is usually something I allude to. It’s not me being false. It’s true. I enjoy learning, I’m an autodidact. Everything I do right now, I’ve learned myself with little aid from classrooms and homework assignments.

God, I want to change the world. I really do. My senior year of college, I got obsessed with leaving a legacy. I worked long and hard on two ideas for the student newspaper that didn’t end up being used. However, It was the things I did out of love, like my column and my solar car series, that ended up leaving a legacy. I won a national award for the solar car series.

How nerdy is that? I wrote a series about some geeks who drove around the country in a solar car. They didn’t even win. They didn’t even come close to winning. But they were people, with stories. I told those stories. I loved telling those stories and putting the project together.

Stuff like that, that’s what makes me happy. Doing something awesome that was fun. I can do it again. I just need to find somewhere that will let me do it.

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Tags: nerdiness

5 things you can do to help me (and other laid off folks)

07Jul09

There are plenty of lists out there about this, but I swear mine is original. I’ve been laid off twice and am an expert in this by now.

Buy me lunch, dinner, a drink…

This sounds silly, but when you’re laid off, a large amount of your time is spent wallowing on your couch, thinking about being laid off. This is also probably done in pajamas.

I am uplifted every single time I get an offer from a friend for something as simple as Red Baron and stale chocolate at their house.

It means a lot to get dressed, get out of the house and laugh a little. It’s good to forget for a couple of hours, and pretend that it’s any other day or night. I would probably be pretty depressed if not for my friends.

Listen, and tell me when I’m being stupid (nicely)

Advice is something I get plenty of and while I appreciate it, what I really need is someone to listen to me whine. My dream conversation goes like this

Me: whine whine whine no job whine whine no money whine
You: Man, that really sucks. What do you think you’re going to do?
Me: whine whine bad idea whine whine
You: That’s a good idea….in theory. But I had a friend that tried this instead…

Let me wallow a little. Then tell me what’s a better idea without making me feel worse about my pathetic self.

Give me your contacts. Send me jobs of any kind

Send me every single lead on a job you have. Even if it’s a rumor you heard on the bus.

I send out about 10 applications a day and right now, it’s the only thing that makes me feel somewhat accomplished. It gets boring sending out nameless applications, so helping me out by attending a lame networking event with me or sending me your cousins neighbor’s e-mail (no promises they have a job) helps wonders.

Help me further my skills

One of my good friends is my savior. Between him and the boy, they have saved my blog from turmoil more times than I can count.

Not only that, but they push me to learn more tech skills. Java, jquery, whatever. they send me tutorials on how to set up stuff and walk me through it when I have no idea what I’m doing.

I will never say it out loud, but it’s really helpful.

Got a good deal? Tell me.

I’m trying to reduce my costs as much as I can, so any tips about how to get my cable bill reduced or whatever helps. Ways to get cheap books, movies, etc.

Need to get something? Buy it with referral credits and help me get some money. Know someone that needs a TV? I’m selling mine.

Any other tips? Let me know in the comments.

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Tags: laid off, tips

goals

06Jul09

I was e-mailing with a great business owner the other day and he asked me what my short and long term goals are.

It’ll be good to have these down of (psuedo) paper, so here is an edited version.

1) I’d love to get into blogging more and sharpen my writing. One of my goals is to take my existing blog to the next level or get in with a blog and get big enough that I can call myself a problogger. Being able to write every day is the goal here.

2) I love web production — the act of making sites and content better is invigorating. I Iike being part of the process of improving a site and how it works for its users. There’s so few producers/editors, I think there’s a real shot of success for me in the next 5ish years.

3) In like 10 years, I’d be the editorial director of a site, so I can be involved in both the writing and production. I used to think that it would have to be a journalism-oriented site, but anymore it doesn’t seem to matter. E-commerce, blog, news, it’s all where I want to be.

4) I really want to be part of something that becomes bigger and important. It’s one of the reasons I loved journalism — I felt like I was doing something I could be proud of at the end of the day. I’ve realized something doesn’t have to be blatantly making a difference, but it has to be doing awesome things I personally believe in.

I want to be part of a company, an idea, that cares about the future and wants help their employees succeed. I’ve worked for too many places that only see their employees as just workers, as opposed to people with dreams and goals.

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Tags: goals, laid off

remaining positive

02Jul09

I’ve hard a hard time of it in the past couple of days.

I know Gannett laid off another 1,400 employees, another 1,400 wonderful, well-qualified people out there looking at the same jobs I’m looking at.

I understand I’m good at what I do and I love what I do. I make stories better. I help Web sites relate better to their reader or customers or whoever.

The hard part is keeping that in mind against the thought that there is little money in the bank, I haven’t heard back from places I’ve applied and it seems there are just an endless number of doors closing on me.

I know, because I’ve been here before, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I will end up somewhere better. I will find a company that is financially and culturally stable. They will support me. I will find mentors again. I will grow and learn and I will be better.

The grueling task of my day is to look down that tunnel. It’s the grueling task for everyone who is unemployed right now. Looking down a very long, dark and despairing tunnel.

I am reading a book, The Art of Power, and in it there is a description of the art of letting go. It’s something I’ve had troubles with my whole life. Not grudges, but letting things that have past be. I rarely remain angry at people, but I tend to remain bitter at events. I work at it. I am working, hard, to let go and forget the darkness of where I am, but the light at the end.

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Tags: laid off

back to unemployment

30Jun09

On June 19, I was “let go.”

This time I didn’t sign a confidentiality waiver, so I can talk about it more.

On the outside, I’ve been pretty sunny, saying that I was unhappy anyway and that I didn’t like the company’s direction.

But parts of my are flailing. This is the second time, almost exactly a year later, that I’ve been laid off. The first time I struggled with whether journalism was my true calling and luckily, I felt like i found a job in a new branch of journalism.

So far, I’ve sent out what must be near 40 applications now. I’ve e-mailed and facebooked and linkedin pretty much everyone. I’ve gone to four networking events.

I’m tired and I want to snap at everyone that is complaining about their job. “At least you have a paycheck. I don’t know how I’m going to pay rent!”

I haven’t yet.

I feel beaten down by the system, by the career that I love so much. I feel lost.

Again.

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Tags: laid off

question:

17Jun09

when you’re being shot down, how do you tell yourself that you’re good at what you do. How do you keep your confidence up?

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Tags: work